As a new mom, one of the hardest things you’ll ever do is leave your baby for the first time. Whether you’re going out with your friends, returning to work after maternity leave, or just taking a trip to the grocery store alone, leaving your baby with someone else (even if it’s another amazing caregiver) can be a challenge.
But eventually, leaving will become easier.
For you, at least.
As your baby becomes more aware and develops object permanence, it’s very common for them to experience separation anxiety. All parents go through this at some point – even I did!
I remember having to sneak out of the room with my first born…as he was busy doing something else, I’d quickly walk out to prevent any meltdowns that would come if I left when he was paying attention to me. But I quickly realized sneaking out of the room wasn't the best strategy.
If you find yourself in this season of separation anxiety, I want you to know two things.
One, it won’t last forever. In time, your child will begin to understand that when you leave, you’ll come back.
Two, there are tips to help you manage if your child is experiencing a lot of anxiety when you leave them. And that, my friends, is what we’ll focus on in this post.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is exactly what it sounds like: feelings of anxiety when you’re separated from someone or something.
For many babies, separation anxiety is noticed when mom or dad leaves the room, leaves the house for work, or drops them off at daycare.
Separation anxiety doesn’t just pop in at certain times. Rather, it ebbs and flows in the first couple years. When your baby is little, they don’t understand that you’ll be coming back when you leave their sight. In their minds, you’re gone forever.
Because of this, it can cause tears, protests, or clinginess.
Of course, separation anxiety can present itself in different ways, but if you notice a change in your child’s behavior when you leave their presence, it’s likely that they’re experiencing some form of separation anxiety.
Start Small and Practice
If you have a little one who is dealing with separation anxiety, it can be hard to determine the best strategy. Do you try to leave when they aren’t paying attention, or do you stick to it and walk out the door, even if they are crying and chasing after you?
Many parents worry and think that they won’t be able to leave their baby who is stuck to their hip. But you can train your baby in this area, just as you do with sleep, by starting small.
- From the start, whenever you leave, stress to your child that mommy will be back. You can even make it fun and sing Daniel Tiger’s “Grown Ups Come Back” song to help them learn that you’re not leaving them forever!
- Play peek-a-boo with your child to show them that when things or people disappear, they are still there. You can do this with their toys by hiding them behind a pillow or a book, or you can play with them by hiding behind the couch or leaving the room and popping back in.
As you play with your baby, you can gradually extend how long you are “hidden.” Maybe when you first start playing, you’re only gone for 3 seconds. But as your child understands that you’re not gone forever, you can stay out of the room for longer periods of time.
Leaving the House When Your Baby is Clingy
Another important element of helping your little one with their separation anxiety is to create a goodbye routine that you can practice each time you leave your child’s presence.
A great goodbye routine consists of two things: it’s short and it’s consistent.
You don’t want to have a long, drawn-out goodbye routine, as that can further upset your baby. Instead, keep it short and sweet. Tell your little one that you’ll be back, and stay confident. Your baby will pick up on any anxiety you have, and it will only feed into theirs.
Then, when you do return home, tell your child, “Mommy was gone, and she came back!” to further prove that *cue Daniel Tiger* grown ups come back.
Whatever the routine looks like, it’s important to keep it consistent. Every time you leave, make sure you do the same things. Give your little one a hug, kiss them goodbye, and tell them you’ll be back soon. If you sneak out on your baby one day, they won’t trust that you’ll actually come back when you leave.
Separation Anxiety and Bedtime
Just as your child thinks you won’t come back when you walk out the door, it’s the same with their sleep. Your child is separated from you for a while throughout the night, and this can make bedtime difficult.
All the more reason to stick to your routine and reassure them that you will come back in the morning.
With practice, your baby will soon understand that leaving is normal, and they will trust that you will return.
One of the best ways to help your child manage separation anxiety is by creating a consistent routine, which includes the bedtime routine. If you currently don’t have a bedtime routine, or it varies each night, I encourage you to check out this
blog post
to help you get started.
I know separation anxiety can be hard to manage, but by taking small steps each day and staying consistent, your little one will grow in their trust and understanding in no time!